Interracial Dating: It’s not as simple as Black & White
By Stephaan Harris
It figures that even when it comes to interracial relationships, gay people have been setting more of the trend. According to an analysis of U.S. Census data from the UCLA School of Law’s Williams Institute, 20.6 percent, or more than one in five same-sex couples, were interracial or interethnic, compared with 18.3 percent of straight unmarried couples. The data are from 2010, the most recent year these kind of trends were gathered, and don’t account for the nationwide legalization of gay marriage, which happened a few years later. But you can imagine that number has increased over the six years.
That study seems to ring true to my experience being an out gay man since the late 1990s. I have come across many more gay interracial parings than straight ones. On the surface it would seem to indicate an open mindedness that may come partly out of the fact that people are sensitive to being part of a community that has experienced discrimination. But interracial dating’s prevalence doesn’t mean it’s free of identity politics – a term that’s become stylish in trying to analyze who voted for Donald Trump and why Hillary Clinton lost, but one that’s really been around ever since crossing racial lines in romance became a thing.
The idea of having a preference of a race different than one’s own is a common one, but not a universally tolerated and respected one. Some people just don’t buy a racial preference is like a simple preference for Thai food, Guess jeans, or romantic comedies. It has to mean something. It has to be reflection of your value system, your sense of self, your buried prejudices, your assumptions, or your background. Never just an option, whether or not you consciously realize it.
One complaint I’ve seen, heard, and experienced is exotification, someone being intoxicated simply by otherness. Oh wow, a Sri Lankan! A Palestinian! How cool! The admirer might see the person as a veritable conversation starter with his friends, a fascinating difference. The one admired might feel like an art exhibit, oohed and aahed over because the viewer has never seen that before. Someone recently hit me up online thinking I was Middle Eastern and that was his preference. I let him know I was black and he instantly cut off contact.
And what about situations where racial stereotypes come into play and it seems like what you are will always take precedence over who you are? I went on a date recently with a Chinese-American man who identified as top versatile but he constantly met men who were flagrantly disappointed that he wasn’t the submissive bottom they assumed an Asian would be.
Some of my gay Latino friends get tired of people propositioning them assuming they’ll be the grand Latin lover who will give them the best sex of their lives, that is if they don’t experience people avoiding them because people think they still live at home with their families.
As many of my other black gay friends can testify to, there are some guys who clearly approach us because we fulfill some type of fantasy or preconceived notion of what a black man should be. I would be able to retire right now if I got a dollar for every nonblack guy who hit me up with “Hung?”, or some type of allusion to being on the hunt for chocolate or something or other. It’s amazing how some people who prefer black men don’t know how to talk to them.
And then there is the inflammatory accusation that choosing another race means you devalue your own or you seek acceptance or inroads into the mainstream (especially a man of color who is with a white guy). A black man who prefers white men, for example, will steadfastly be seen by some as a self-hating sellout, who is ambivalent about his own background and purposely avoiding black men.
And still some other couples I know, who I firmly believe just happen to fall in love with each other without any racial baggage, have to face racist accusations outside of their close circle of friends. Family, friends, acquaintances, and coworkers intimate one or both must have a “fetish” and they can’t be seen as two individuals.
Interestingly, when I have asked gay friends about their racial preferences, some of them became instantly, if briefly, defensive, as if I was going to take that answer and throw it back at them with a judgment or an observation about race that may shine a light on an inconvenient truth or observation. I’m honestly just curious.
But I understand as people make assumptions fairly or not fairly. Just because we are in a more accepting society doesn’t mean interracial relationships are successful outside of the prism of societal judgement or sexual politics. We never seem to be quite as progressive as we like to believe. Remember when the election of Barack Obama caused many journalists and prognosticators to fall over themselves declaring ours to be a “post-racial” country? Of course, President Obama’s two successful terms didn’t preclude a deluge of racist speech and sentiments. And witness the feelings of white resentment and nationalism that helped propel Trump to the presidency even as the United States is an inch away from being majority-minority.
I have had relationships with white, black and Latino men and have dated and hooked up with every racial and ethnic background. I frankly like variety and just don’t have a type. I find attractiveness in different looks and forms and personal chemistry will always be the grand arbiter. Despite that, I’ve received the “snapshot” treatment. Some people see me with a certain ethnicity at a certain moment and assume that’s what I want exclusively.
When the Census study will explore this again in 2020, it will be interesting to see what the statisticians find. It is clear there will be an increase in interracial relationships across all orientations. The real question is how we are going to deal with that.
That study seems to ring true to my experience being an out gay man since the late 1990s. I have come across many more gay interracial parings than straight ones. On the surface it would seem to indicate an open mindedness that may come partly out of the fact that people are sensitive to being part of a community that has experienced discrimination. But interracial dating’s prevalence doesn’t mean it’s free of identity politics – a term that’s become stylish in trying to analyze who voted for Donald Trump and why Hillary Clinton lost, but one that’s really been around ever since crossing racial lines in romance became a thing.
The idea of having a preference of a race different than one’s own is a common one, but not a universally tolerated and respected one. Some people just don’t buy a racial preference is like a simple preference for Thai food, Guess jeans, or romantic comedies. It has to mean something. It has to be reflection of your value system, your sense of self, your buried prejudices, your assumptions, or your background. Never just an option, whether or not you consciously realize it.
One complaint I’ve seen, heard, and experienced is exotification, someone being intoxicated simply by otherness. Oh wow, a Sri Lankan! A Palestinian! How cool! The admirer might see the person as a veritable conversation starter with his friends, a fascinating difference. The one admired might feel like an art exhibit, oohed and aahed over because the viewer has never seen that before. Someone recently hit me up online thinking I was Middle Eastern and that was his preference. I let him know I was black and he instantly cut off contact.
And what about situations where racial stereotypes come into play and it seems like what you are will always take precedence over who you are? I went on a date recently with a Chinese-American man who identified as top versatile but he constantly met men who were flagrantly disappointed that he wasn’t the submissive bottom they assumed an Asian would be.
Some of my gay Latino friends get tired of people propositioning them assuming they’ll be the grand Latin lover who will give them the best sex of their lives, that is if they don’t experience people avoiding them because people think they still live at home with their families.
As many of my other black gay friends can testify to, there are some guys who clearly approach us because we fulfill some type of fantasy or preconceived notion of what a black man should be. I would be able to retire right now if I got a dollar for every nonblack guy who hit me up with “Hung?”, or some type of allusion to being on the hunt for chocolate or something or other. It’s amazing how some people who prefer black men don’t know how to talk to them.
And then there is the inflammatory accusation that choosing another race means you devalue your own or you seek acceptance or inroads into the mainstream (especially a man of color who is with a white guy). A black man who prefers white men, for example, will steadfastly be seen by some as a self-hating sellout, who is ambivalent about his own background and purposely avoiding black men.
And still some other couples I know, who I firmly believe just happen to fall in love with each other without any racial baggage, have to face racist accusations outside of their close circle of friends. Family, friends, acquaintances, and coworkers intimate one or both must have a “fetish” and they can’t be seen as two individuals.
Interestingly, when I have asked gay friends about their racial preferences, some of them became instantly, if briefly, defensive, as if I was going to take that answer and throw it back at them with a judgment or an observation about race that may shine a light on an inconvenient truth or observation. I’m honestly just curious.
But I understand as people make assumptions fairly or not fairly. Just because we are in a more accepting society doesn’t mean interracial relationships are successful outside of the prism of societal judgement or sexual politics. We never seem to be quite as progressive as we like to believe. Remember when the election of Barack Obama caused many journalists and prognosticators to fall over themselves declaring ours to be a “post-racial” country? Of course, President Obama’s two successful terms didn’t preclude a deluge of racist speech and sentiments. And witness the feelings of white resentment and nationalism that helped propel Trump to the presidency even as the United States is an inch away from being majority-minority.
I have had relationships with white, black and Latino men and have dated and hooked up with every racial and ethnic background. I frankly like variety and just don’t have a type. I find attractiveness in different looks and forms and personal chemistry will always be the grand arbiter. Despite that, I’ve received the “snapshot” treatment. Some people see me with a certain ethnicity at a certain moment and assume that’s what I want exclusively.
When the Census study will explore this again in 2020, it will be interesting to see what the statisticians find. It is clear there will be an increase in interracial relationships across all orientations. The real question is how we are going to deal with that.
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